What seems to be a never-ending Heartbreak

Let me start off by saying love is a wonderful and magical experience. I say this while dealing with my own current heartbreak. We all want someone to experience life with; the good, the bad and so much more.

I spent the last 4 years on and off with my ex. We met when I was 21 and he was 27. My goodness was he handsome! The night we met he picked me up at my house and when we caught eyes, I lost my breath and said to myself “He’s the one I’m going to Marry”. And boy did I believe it. We hit off and it was quite a wild ride from there. From young love, seeing each other as often as we could, to cute gestures to make each other feel loved and important and doing what we loved the most, walking at the wildlife close to our homes. It was like I was with someone who truly wanted to know me and love me for all of who I was. The first year for the most part was wonderful, all we did was laugh and relax with family and friends to our long hours at the beach and barbecues in the yard.

Sounds great right? I thought so too. Love is not an easy thing and it takes two people to keep the flame going. I soon began to notice how distant he was when it came to love. He truly wanted to love me but because he grew up in a single dad home it was different. It’s as if he was afraid to get close, which I understood from the get go. It takes a toll on someone who continually gives love and it isn’t being reciprocated. I loved this man more than I can explain. I did anything and everything to make sure he knew and felt he was loved and important.

At one point all my efforts seemed to not be enough for him. We began to fight about anything and everything we could. When we fought, we fought to win. Neither one of listened in the moment. We also were able to admit that horrible flaw. One thing I have always done in all my relationships after an argument and settled down was to write them a letter. You’re probably thinking  “A letter? What did that do?” .  Well, I would write these letters explaining what I wanted my partner to hear and understand, that they may not have during the argument. When I wrote those letters I was uncensored and mature. As best I could I would write in the most calm and respectful way possible. A lot of the time this worked because we would take the letters we wrote each other and would sit down and bit by bit get through them and listen to one another. (I highly recommend this method!) . A lot of the time it was helpful especially when its us two very stubborn people fighting.

He broke up with me 3 times. Same excuse over and over; I can’t pretend anymore, you’re impossible to love, I’m miserable and I can’t do this. Each time my heart would shatter more and more, yet, I still loved him. I know you’re thinking “shame on me for always taking him back” and you would be right. But, love is very complicated especially when you built this “Forever partner” in your head and its crumbling right in front of you. You want to do anything to keep that person. So, yes, it may seem at this point not worth fighting for someone who keeps leaving but that’s part of the struggle when it comes to love.  Well, most recently we got back together for a 4th time! I KNOW!!!!! Crazy right?! We moved in together this past June of 2018. For the most part it was great, a fresh start for both of us. We had the occasionally fights and we were still getting to know each other’s habits and pet peeves so this too provoked arguments and banter back and forth. 5 months in, the month of November 2018, we were in an argument that week and by the end of it he texted, YES TEXTED me that he was moving out. That night he packed his things and I was crying hysterically, I even became that pathetic girl who literally begged on my knees to have him stay. “Please don’t go, please, please PLEASE! Just give me tonight to lay with you, one more night, I swear I’ll change, I love you”. We simply hugged each other tightly and as he let go I dropped and watched him walk out the door. I was shattered.

But, like I said love isn’t easy. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing or that you shouldn’t love again. What it does mean is know your worth, know that you as an individual deserve the very best from your partner all the time. Do not settle for someone out of comfort, or fear that there’s “no one else” because there is. Allow yourself time to heal and grow, get to know yourself and most importantly, love yourself!

You are important, you are beautiful, you are worth the world! Stay strong and to my ladies; Girl you’re a queen fix your crown, stand tall, and walk on forward!

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