To The Siblings That Never Knew Me

I want to ask you how your life was growing up? Was it all you ever dreamed of? Did you and your siblings have an unbreakable bond that to this day continues? Or was your childhood more rough around the edges? Did your siblings make you feel invisible like you didn’t matter? Well, if the second one happened to you I want to share with you my childhood. My point of view on how I grew up and how it made me who I am today. So let’s begin.

I am the middle child of 4. I have two older brothers and one younger sister. You would think I had plenty of playmates. Wrong. I had plenty of enemies. When I was young I had a heart condition that took my mother and father away from my brothers. All eyes were on me at all times, from nurses coming in and out to my parents keeping guard to make sure I was alive and well. This took a toll on my brothers as they craved for my mother and fathers attention. At the beginning from what my parents would tell me my brothers loved me and loved being around me. Kind of hard to believe now since our relationships are slim to none. As I grew older and my sister had come along my brothers began teasing me about anything and everything. Mainly the scar on my chest and my looks, always calling me ugly and stupid. I could go on. This wasn’t your typical sibling rivalry as this clearly was a sign of resentment. They hated me for having a medical problem. They hated me for “taking their mother” away from them. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like but did they ever once put themselves in my shoes? They act as though I chose this life. The abuse continued for years and even into our adult lives. One of my brothers I barely talk to except during the holidays and the conversation tends to be awkward and short. My eldest brother and I have a very difficult relationship. Conversations can lead to fights that can tend to be physical or downright violent with our words.

Like I said, they are my enemies. As for my sister we had it rough as I wasn’t the best older sister to her. I can admit that because it is true. We didn’t like each other for some reason. No matter how hard we tried to get along something always tore us apart. Now as adults we have slowly and quietly been working on things. We mutually agreed that we keep our parents out of it as they were part of the reason we didn’t get along. You’re probably wondering how my parents caused our separation. My mother tends to push us all to like each other, “call this one, call that one. Go hang with this one”. We all get what she is trying to do but it only makes it worse and I don’t think she ever understood that. But like I said she and I as sisters are working on it.

Growing up in the environment I did with the majority not liking me for one reason or the next missed out on getting to know me as a person and a sister. Because of my siblings, I have become so judgemental on myself and have self-loathed all my life. I have learned from my eldest brother of who I do not want to be and I am afraid with every passing day I am becoming more like him. Because of the life I had with continuous struggles and battles that no one in my household, not even my parents knows about to this day has made me who I am today.

So, to my siblings, I wish I got the chance to play with you, laugh with you, love you and grow with you. I wish I had the advice of an older brother when I started dating and to learn life lessons from. I wish I had the chance to experience life with you in ways I couldn’t with anyone else. To sit at the dinner table and look back on all the memories we created but I guess we can’t have a do-over. My real wish is that you had gotten to know me for who I was and am now and to stop blaming me for something I couldn’t control. I want you to let go of what was and see me for what I am. And to my sister, I wish you had stopped to see me, listen to me and understand me. I also wish I had done the same to you but we still have a chance to make a difference. Here are a few things I love to do and are passionate about; horseback riding, baseball, snow tubing, singing, dogs and helping others. I am stronger because of what I went through, and let me tell you I have gone through some unimaginable things in my life. Although I didn’t have you as my siblings, my teammates I thank you for doing what you did because I learned one thing from all of you. To never let my future children become enemies to one another like we did. I also want you to know I miss you all, I miss what we could’ve been. It’s okay, I guess that’s the price you pay when you choose to be someone’s enemy.

So let me ask you my reader’s what kind of household did you grow up in? Have you tried to make a change for the better? Or was the damage done? I would hope that one day we all found peace with one another and could live happily. I can only hope that one day the damage will no longer affect us as it has already done.

And to those who feel like I feel; invisible like you’re not enough and your life isn’t worth it, don’t listen to them. It is because of them you’ve come out stronger, independent, loving and caring for others. You are enough, in fact, BETTER than you once were. Embrace what has happened and run with it in a positive way. Use it to help others! That is my goal one day.

This is what I wanted to say to the siblings who never knew me.

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