You ever been hurt so bad by someone that they actually ruined your future relationships? I have. I’m affected to this day. Let me explain. I used to be known as the “Hopeless Romantic”, the one who was so in love with love! It was crazy, I’d watch all the romance movies, and when I would be dating someone I’d do all the wifely duties even without the ring. I would give all of my heart and soul to each partner. Now, with each person, they broke me a little more, broke my spirit and idea of what love was supposed to be. With each relationship ending for one reason or another, I would always try and save what little left of me I could grab on to. Well, one year ago this november my life litterally crumbled right in front of me and I had no say or control over it. That person took the last bit of myself I ever had. Took all of my love I ever wanted to give to someone and I never got it back. Once they left I decided then I would NEVER allow myself to ever feel love so deeply ever again, that I would NEVER love someone so strong or hard ever again and I locked my heart up and now I can’t find the key. In one year I have hardened to an extent that it affects my current relationship.
It’s noticed by my partner that I hold back love. Granted, I love my partner a lot. But, its obvious to both of us there is more they deserve that I am not giving to them. It caught me off guard when they said something to this extent (not exact words) “Your ex took something from me, they took love. Your love”. In that moment I was crushed, shocked and didn’t realize how hard I have become and how afraid of love. I am so afraid of love and it’s crazy because I was once so intrigued and obsessed with it and now I hate it.
I question my life every day. Where I want to be in life, how do I reach goals that seem impossible, and do I belong with anyone? These are every day thoughts that reel in my racing mind. I know what is happening is unfair to someone I care for but, I’m not sure what to do or who to talk to.
Do you have these thoughts? Fears? Heart locked behind a steel door that you’re afraid to open? I think this is apart of “taking a chance”, “dealing with change”, and being an adult. Adulthood is so hard and there are constant changes and lessons that I, we can’t keep up with sometimes. It’s wild right? I know at somepoint we have to figure out “who we are” as individuals and allow ourselves to take those chances. So, I guess in some sense,I just haven’t figured out “who I am” just yet. Don’t worry though, doesn’t that make the journey a tad more exciting? I think so. You’ll find yourself in this mess too! Give yourself time to heal, question things, protect yourself and just like the grinch one day our hearts will melt and grow 2 sizes bigger than it’s ever been!